Saturday, February 25, 2006

feeling like a milion dollars, not a million dollar baby

Ah poor blog. I haven't been keeping up very well. It's not because I have been too busy. I just haven't had the heart to write. I don't want to TMI anyone, but my personal life (read 9 year relationship) is falling apart. I have been very upset and haven't had the heart to really knit either. Sometimes when I am unhappy I turn to knitting. Sometimes I feel paralyzed. This has been about paralysis.

Not only has my knitting suffered, but the other half of my blog, Kung Fu, has been kaput lately, too. I love kung fu. I love learning it, practicing, sparring, weapons. It rocks. And the people at my school are awesome. I really don't think I could meet funnier, more interesting people with fantabulous personalities in Ithaca. But things have been happening that have upset the equanimity of the kwoon.

There was a couple that both attended, but their relationship is now over. During the time that the gal was thinking about breaking up with her other half, she spent most of her time with my kung fu teacher. Whether or not anything happened then is moot because they are now officially seeing each other and she's got poorly concealed hickies all over her neck. You can imagine how the guy feels. And how this creates a bunch of tension in a formerly tight-knit group. Not to mention the fact that I am not getting any teaching time. Most of the time my teacher devotes to individuals has been devoted to one individual. Take a wild guess who....

So home life has sucked, knitting is nonexistant and kung fu has sucked. It's all so depressing and I don't think I could really continue to function on my normal level if it were not for boxing. Dear, lovely boxing. Everytime I come home from the gym I feel like a million dollars. I am happy. I feel like I have made progress. I feel like I have shed the grief that followed me around all day. My toes are actually lighter, I swear.

And really all that I have done is shadow boxed and hit a heavy bag. Granted, I hit it as hard as I can for as long as I can. And when I get to hit focus mitts with the boxing trainer I really find my physical limit. He pushes you there, and keeps extending it. And I love hitting the speed bag, the rythmic sound it makes, the trance-like state that you can find yourself in. It's a one-ness with the little bag. It's all so simple and so good and so very therapeutic.

And the people there are so kind. Mostly it's guys training there and I felt a little intimidated at first. But now I can't think of another place that I have been to lately where strangers will just walk up to you and help you. Explain how to do what your doing better. It's just so nice, especially since I am a gal.

It's the people, the activities, the training. I am really glad that I found boxing when I did. I wouldn't be having any million dollar moments in my life otherwise right now.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that I lost 10 pounds?


Latoya said...

These times,too, shall pass...I know its hard to believe, but you may be taking boxing for a refreshing and new you. (Hate to sound like a commercial. Smile) This new you will move you on to another level of your life. You'll cleanse and then open yourself up to something else that is better.
Its just that your healing process is just that: a process.
Its great that you have something physical to take your mind off of things. Can you imagine having a child through a C-section and having to bear the brunt of it all? (That's what a friend is going through right now, and she has to move.)
The grass is yellow, but it'll rain soon...

Bev said...

A 9-year relationship, and another one ruining your KF practice! That really sucks. Well, Latoya had some nice thoughts for you, but I'm a very practical sort. First, if boxing is the thing giving you pleasure right now then definitely give it all you've got. Specifically, give your self some sort of goal to accomplish when you need something to think about when things hurt too much.

Secondly, you really don't need to be around people, places, and things that throw personal stuff in your face. If your dojo is not the same place where you box then it may just be time to take a break from the art, and consider either a break in your practice for a few months or looking for some temporary classes at another place. I wouldn't say anything to him about it because either he will get defensive or you will spill your guts about your ending relationship. I do want to stress the temporary though because your instructor will eventually get his head out of his arse when other students start to complain and/or leave and get other instructors. He has to make money doing this and nothing gets someone’s attention quicker than a drop in income. That way if the instructor’s relationship doesn't work out, or when he is in a better place teaching wise, then there isn't that animosity or weirdness to bring up between you.

Third, do the usual things people do at the end of relationships if it helps you but if not, the only thing I feel everyone really needs is self-care. You need time to cry, feel frustrated, and feel down. You need to eat right, try to sleep properly, and meditate or pray. Go easy on yourself, do things slowly, and don't try to go by anybody else's post-relationship timetable. Hang in there.

Aprilynne said...

Sometimes things just suck, don't they? =( phoohey! I agree with the general ideas from above, this is your time to be Ms. Cranky Pants! Growl and bark and scowl or hiss and scratch, whatever is more your style. >=( grrrrr
boys are dumb sometimes

Watch the movie Fried Green Tomatoes and yell out "To Wanda!" or Tawanda? whatever

Anyway, your girls are here for you, vent, scream, yell, decompress, whine, rant, rave, whatever suits your fancy.


Teyani said...

my heart goes out to you - such a tough spot.. yet the one thing that this universe promises us is change.. so this will change as well.
Honor your heart - grieve, rant, rave, hit punching bags, slice things to ribbons with your wonderous swords..and generally let yourself be.
Ceremony is a powerful healer when used with honor.. so honor yourself.

Lori said...

We've all been in a similar spot and our hearts are with you . Please be assured that people love and care for you and give yourself time to seek out that sun again. You will prevail.

Mothlady said...

I'm so sorry, it must be hard. Do what feels best for you and try to concentrate on the good things in your life. I'm glad that you can use boxing as an outlet. Take care, we'll be waiting for you here. said...

Girl, we need to talk. Not only am I an avid knitter, I've also been training in Northern Eagle Claw Kung Fu for the past 3 years. I think you may be the only person who truly understands my obsessions for both. I live in So Cal. Please email me so we can chat. I'd love to hear more about your KF system and your knitting projects. Ciao!